….

Something has to change. I’m useless. I don’t want a job, I don’t wanna do house work, I don’t wanna workout. Something needs to change in my attitude. I use to have passion. I use to have pride in the things I did. Now I just don’t care.

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time zones

I live my life opposite to everyone else in my house which means I spend most of my time alone. Since I took a vacation from my job I’m home all day alone with the dogs. Dave gets up early and is out the door before I even know what day it is and is asleep at night before I’ve even had my first glass of wine. I live with characters from tv shows and books. Sometimes I feel like that suits me more. Sometimes I wish for something else.

Playing in Pain

Everyone who has ever played sports has hurt themselves to one degree or another. So far I have been fortunate enough to have not done anything too bad in my derby career. (knock on wood and every other thing in sight) No broken bones, no concussions, no near death experiences with EMTS hovered over me.
I did have a fall almost a year ago. It was my own damn fault, just turning around to toe stop, I was tired and somehow clipped my own wheel sending me straight to the ground with my arm stretched out. I busted my arm, my shoulder, and my hip. It hurt but I scraped myself up off the ground and went on with practice. Yes, it was just practice, not even a game.. I screwed my shoulder up pretty bad. It hurt to put on shirts and wash my hair. The next day I couldn’t even raise my arm to shoulder height. I was scared into going to the doctor by my boss who was sure it broken. It was not, so say-eth the xray and doc told me that it would be ok, take some pain pills don’t use it, it will heal. Well 2 months later it did not heal, I was sent to physical therapy. Long story short 3 months of PT and it was back to normal with a lil’ extra noise and a crunchy feeling but fine, I could put clothes on with out whimpering.
So almost a year from the first injury I hurt my shoulder with a sad, useless “shoulder block,” if that’s even what you want to call my blatant display of pissed offed-ness after being knocked down. Of coarse those middle of the road injuries never really hurt until after the adrenalin wears off. You go off to the after party and start to feel the pain and stiffness set in, you have a couple drinks to counter act it and before you know it you wake up in the morning unable to roll your ass out of bed and then wincing with every movement on your way to coffee.
We have 2 weeks in between bouts. Not enough time to heal up right. In all rights I probably shouldn’t be whining about this. Yeah it hurts but that is part of derby. It’s the psychological toll it takes on you. When I hurt myself the first time it took me months before I could do turnaround toe stops on the part of the rink I was on when I fell. No matter how hard I tried I could not make my body do it because all I saw was myself hitting the ground. I had to go in at open skate and do toe stops getting closer and closer the scene of the crime until it was out of my head.
Now I want to baby this shoulder. That’s a sure fire way to get hurt in my book. As soon as I start thinking about my body when I’m playing I get all screwed up. There is so much to think about out on the track my hurt this or that should be the last thing on my mind. If I go in distracted I will for sure hurt it, or something else.
How do you psych yourself out? Build your brain up to cover over the doubts you have? You gotta just keep taking care of yourself and hope you get better. I myself am going to buy stock in KT Tape, Bio Freeze and rum and keep up on the PT at home. Come game day, “I’m fine” and hopefully my ass will do more of the work this time….